Just Tell Her
by Joei Cassidy
Summary: The aftermath of the shooting, set after the first episode of Season 13.  Elliot is fixing his life...where does Olivia fit in?  Can this end mean a new beginning for them? E/O,  REVIEWS APPRECIATED.  ONE SHOT.


**Just Tell Her**

_**By: Joei Cassidy**_

Olivia closed the door behind her. In her head, her inner voice kept saying, "You're okay. You will be okay. You're okay, you will be okay."

But she wasn't. In that moment, the truth sank in. Elliot was not coming back. The tears that she tried so hard not to give in to in Cragen's office started to fall and she crumpled to the floor of the interrogation room.

Elliot knew that by now Cragen had told Olivia that he wasn't coming back. He wanted to tell her goodbye but he couldn't. Not in the office anyway. Not where it all happened just barely 5 months ago. He couldn't take that.

But before he could see her, he needed to take care of some things. As bad as the past few months have been, he had come to some realizations and he finally gathered the strength – was it strength – or was it just necessity? Whatever it was, he now was able to do the things he needed to do for a long time now.

That first week after the shooting was the worst time he could ever remember in his life. He couldn't sleep. He didn't want to eat. He almost ceased to function. The joy that he usually felt when he saw his youngest son, he could not feel anymore. And that lack of joy, was what jolted him to get help. He seeked the help of Dr. Emil Skoda, the psychiatrist from the DA's office and he had been going to him 3X a week since then.

He was still far from okay, but that was okay. He was getting help. He was on the right path to being okay again.

As he was getting help with the PTSD he surely was suffering from, Dr. Skoda also helped him admit some things that he never wanted to admit. Kathy. His marriage to Kathy. It was over a long time ago. He owed it to her to be honest.

He pretty much worked it out in his head. He needed to start fresh. In a way, he needed to be selfish right now. After taking care of others ahead of himself, for so many years, taking care of himself was foreign to Elliot. And he wasn't sure if he liked it. But like it or not, he had to do it. Otherwise, he'd crack up. And he wasn't about to let it happen.

So today, after he turned in his papers, his next step was to talk to Kathy. At first, he thought he wanted to do it outside of the house. But then he realized he couldn't do that. It would seem to her that he was trying to cushion the blow he was going to deal her and she deserved more than that.

So here he was, almost 1 pm and waiting for her to come home. He had arranged the time so that all the kids would still be at school so that he could talk to Kathy alone first. Then they'd both tell the kids. He'd leave it to Kathy to when she'd think it would be best to sit them down. He didn't want to do it all in one day. He wanted to give Kathy time to…to accept it. And let it sink in.

He was a nervous wreck by the time Kathy came home. And when she did, she took one look at him and somehow she knew. She sat down immediately on the couch and he followed. As they both looked at each other, tears started filling Kathy's eyes. In a soft voice, she said, "So it's finally come. I knew this day would come but I kept hoping…" Her voice caught and she couldn't go on. Her tears spilled over and sobs wracked her body.

Elliot, sadness engulfing his whole being, enfolded her in an embrace and spoke up, "I'm sorry Kathy. I tried. But I can't go on anymore…it's not you – I know that sounds incredibly banal right now, but it isn't. It's you and me together. We've changed. We…" Elliot's voice trailed off.

Kathy extracted himself from his embrace and saw that tears were also spilling from his eyes. She looked at him and wiped away his tears. "I know, Elliot. I know you did. Thank you for trying. Thank you for being honest." Her voice was soft and full of tears but there was something else. Acceptance.

"Kathy, you are the mother of my children, you gave me the most beautiful children. I will always love you. I hope you know that. " Elliot said to her, holding her hands.

"I know that…but you…you're…" she swallowed hard, fighting through her tears, "You're no longer in love with me." The resignation and acceptance she felt of what he just told her went straight to Elliot's heart.

Elliot looked down trying desperately to find the right answer. But finally all he can do was shrug and say sadly, "I don't know what to say…"

"You don't need to say anything El. I think it's been years since we've been really in love with each other. I probably feel the same way about you, but with the kids and all the years that we've been together, I guess it was just easier for me to keep hoping things will get back to how they were before."

"Yeah." Elliot remarked. "I know what you mean."

"But we can't go back to that place anymore, El. We…we finally grew up…and we….grew apart. It hurts to admit that, but that's what happened."

"Kathy, I am so sorry. Maybe I didn't try hard enough….maybe I should have chosen another career, maybe…"

"Elliot Stabler, stop it!" Kathy interrupted his litany. "It's okay. It's gonna be rough, I have to admit. I mean you and I have been together for so long, it'll be hard to get used to not having you around. But I'll be okay. Our kids will be okay. They will understand."

"That's the worst part Kathy. Having to leave them."

"You're not leaving them Elliot. I would never ever keep them from you. We will have an amicable divorce with joint custody. I promise you that."

He looked into her eyes and the tears started to stop when he saw her sincerity. "Thank you Kathy. You don't know how much your understanding means to me."

"I hope you find your happiness Elliot. I truly mean that. I'm only sorry it isn't with me." There were tears in her eyes again.

Elliot wiped the tears from her eyes. "I'm sorry it wasn't either. And I know you will find your happiness, Kathy."

They embraced and then as Elliot pulled away, he gave Kathy a last gentle kiss on the lips.

"If it's okay with you, I'm going to stay at my mother's house first while I look for an apartment."

"El, it's okay, you can stay here. I can arrange to work the night shift so that we don't have that awkward conversation of where to sleep."

"Are you sure?" He searched her face for any signs of hesitation.

Kathy smiled, albeit sadly and replied, "Yes I'm sure. Besides, I think it'll be better for the kids. You can take your time to talk to them. Break it to them gently."

"Okay Kathy, thanks."

"Well, you better get to sleep, I have an appointment with Skoda then I have to schedule my exit interview with IAB and 1 PP."

"So you turned your papers in huh? Was it hard?"

"Yes, but it's time." He looked at his watch and stood up. "Well I better be going or I'm gonna be late for my session with Skoda."

He started walking to the door but then Kathy stopped him one last time. "El, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"So are you going to finally tell her?" There was another sad smile on Kathy's face.

Elliot looked back at her a slightly puzzled look on his face. "Tell who what?"

Kathy just smiled. "Just tell her… and El, it's okay. I'm okay with it. Just tell her." At that Kathy ran up the stairs leaving Elliot feeling like a load had been lifted from his shoulders.

He took one last look at the direction she had ran up, then turned around and left the house that had once been his home.

"So you finally told Kathy." Dr Skoda said. "How did she take it?"

"She took it relatively well. She said she knew this day would come. And that it'd be hard but that she's okay with it. That she'll be okay. She invited me to stay there until I find an apartment. I have to admit part of me is relieved. Mostly because I want my exit to be gradual for the kids' sake. But part of me wants to just get out of there."

"Understandable. Any other thoughts or feelings?"

"Having said what I just I did, I also can't help but think if this is something that would have happened if I hadn't shot Jenna. If I hadn't shot Jenna, maybe I'd still have a marriage and I'd still have my job."

"But Elliot, it didn't happen that way."

"No, it didn't. And I have to move on. " There was a cold hardness in his voice as if trying to steel himself against any vulnerability.

"Elliot, it was good shot. Okay? You did what you had to do. More people would have died if you didn't shoot her. It was a good shot. I know that doesn't make it any easier, but time will help. And getting your life in order will also help."

There was a bitterness in his voice as he replied, "I hope so, Doc."

"Are you taking your anti-anxiety mediation?"

"Yes."

"Good. You're doing well Elliot. Remember it's only been 5 months. It's going to take some time."

"I know. I just wish it didn't have to take so long."

Skoda laughed. "Don't we all…"

Elliot smiled a bit but didn't reply.

"So…" Skoda said, changing the subject, "Are you ready to talk about her?"

Elliot was silent. For a minute, Dr. Skoda didn't think he'd be able to say it. But then he spoke and said the name he knew he was going to hear from his lips. "Liv…"

"Yes, Olivia. You said you'd fix your life…and she was a big part of it…still a big part of it…what are you going to do about her?"

"Why do you, like everyone else always assume that there is something I need to do about her!" His voice had become raised, the hardness back in his tone.

But Skoda didn't take his bait and just calmly replied, "If you're not ready to talk about her…"

"That's exactly it Doc…for some reason I feel I'm never going to be ready when it comes to Liv. And yet when she's not there, I know that it's not right. When she's not there, it's when I know deep down how I need her to be in my life. But when she's in my life, then suddenly I'm not sure she should be in it. I'm so confused. Damn it! Everything is such a fucking mess!"

"Elliot, I don't think you are confused. In fact, I would bet my medical license you know exactly what you want from her. You know exactly how you feel about her. And that probably she's the only thing that probably makes any sense in this fucking mess as you say."

"But if you're right, then why do I feel this way?"

"Elliot, come on you're a very good detective. You made your living by analyzing people to arrive at the truth. I don't think I need to spell it out for you.

"You know she's been calling me and leaving me voice messages and I don't ever call her back?" Elliot's distress was clear in his tone.

"Why don't you?" Skoda looked at Elliot without blinking. "Why don't you call her back?"

Elliot looked back at him then he buried his head in his hands as he answered, "Because I'm scared, Doc. Scared that she hates that she won't look at me the same way. Scared that she doesn't…" Elliot's voice trailed off then.

"That she doesn't…" Skoda cajoled him. "Come on Elliot say it. Say it so that you can confront it and do something about it."

"I'm scared that she doesn't feel the same way I do about her." His voice was no longer raised, in fact he spoke in a very low tone. But Skoda heard his words including the soft tremor in his voice.

"Don't you think she's scared too, right now?" Dr. Skoda returned. "Think about it. She went through that shooting too. She may not have held the gun. But she witnessed it. Someone died in her arms. And her partner, her best friend, the person she trusted the most, suddenly disappears. After all that, don't you think she's scared too? Maybe she's not scared about the same thing you fear. But trust me, she's scared too."

"Doc, I make a mess of everything in my life…I mean, fuck, look where I am right now! I don't want to fuck her life too!" Elliot looked haunted at the thought of what he just said out loud.

"I know you don't Elliot. But you are already defeating yourself and you haven't even begun. Besides this is a two way street. She has a choice you know. And by doing what you doing right now, by pre-empting everything you are denying that freedom to choose. Don't do that Elliot. It isn't fair to her. And it isn't fair to you."

Elliot was silent.

"I know it's going to take a big leap of faith, Elliot and I'm not saying you have to rush this and do anything now. But admitting everything you just did – it's a start. When you are ready to do what you need to do, you will do it."

"And in the meantime…"

"Well, you haven't told your kids yet about your pending divorce, so why don't you start with that? Remember Elliot, this is about a new start. This is about fixing what needs to be fixed. And you can't do all that all at once. But I promise you I will help you. Okay?"

Elliot nods then glances at his watch. "Okay. Well I guess our time is up. See you on Thursday?"

Skoda nods. "Thursday."

With that, Elliot took his leave and started making his way to 1 PP to schedule his exit interview.

A month later, Elliot was in his new apartment in Astoria, in 38th and Broadway. He opened the window to let the sun in and sank into his newly acquired couch. He felt relieved but he also felt very much alone.

Saying goodbye to Dickie, Lizzie and Eli, two weeks earlier was hard. Kathy tactfully took a shift during his departure time to give him privacy with the kids. Dickie was stone faced, trying not to cry. But his emotions were written all over his face. Lizzie kept hugging him and even little Eli didn't want to let him go. He let out a wail when Maureen finally took him from Elliot. Maureen and Kathleen both of who were already out of the house, had come by to support their brothers and sister. Sad as they all were, save for Eli who was too young to comprehend what was happening, all of them understood. All of them were supportive of their parents' decision. All of them wished nothing but the best for both their parents.

He sighed. He walked over to his dresser cabinet where a picture of all five kids in a frame stood on top of it. He took hold of the picture and looked at his kids, missing each of them intensely.

He couldn't take much of that and he went back to the living room and got his duffle bag. From it he pulled an old Filofax and from there he pulled a dog-eared picture. It was a picture of Olivia and him taken at the Policeman's Ball about 3 years ago. She never knew that he had this picture of the two of them. But both of them looked so happy in the picture. She was wearing a long red gown that hugged every curve of her body. And he was in a rented tuxedo. He thought he looked like a damn penguin but she had told him that he looked dashing that night. That was the word she had used. he was a during the moment the picture was taken he very felt much like HER prince. And she was his princess.

He looked at the picture and suddenly he missed her so much. He suddenly ached to return those phone calls. He reached for his cell phone and was about to dial her number but then he put his cell phone back in his pocket. No, it was better this way. He had already fucked up too many peoples' lives. He wasn't going to fuck up hers too.

He sighed and then stood up. All at once he felt he needed some air. The small apartment was feeling claustrophobic and he needed to get out. And so he did. With a definite bang, he closed the door to his new apartment and made his way to the R train a couple of blocks away to take a ride into Manhattan.

He entered the subway from Steinway Street and took the turnstile that was nearest him and made his way to the nearest R train to Manhattan. It was just 2 pm in the afternoon and the trains were not that full so he had his choice of his seats. He was about to take a seat in a two seater near the door when he saw a familiar backside on the other end of the train car he was in.

Olivia.

He swallowed hard. He had been trying so damn hard not to avoid her and not to run into her. He was avoiding even thinking of her. Ironic since it was because he was trying to get away from his thoughts of her that he was in this train in the first place.

Self-preservation suddenly reared its ugly head and he immediately wanted to get out of the train. Just as he stood up however, he realized the train had already closed its doors and the familiar hiss of the train pulling out of the station was heard.

He could only hope that she didn't turn around before they made it to the next station which he knew was only a few minutes away.

But when they reached the 36th Street station, Olivia still did not get off. And Elliot didn't as well. Something was making him stay. He was scared shitless. But he couldn't deny it. This had to be some sort of sign. He was a devout Catholic but he was not a man who believed in signs or fate. But for the first time in his life, he felt like he was being given a sign and he wanted to see it through.

As they made their way to the Queensborough Plaza station, Elliot made a decision. He was going to finally talk to her. He was going to give her and himself the chance and the choice. And if he lost her, oh God what if he loses her? What if she hated him?

Elliot ran his hand through his hair and muttered, "Shit".

He was scared but he had to this. It was the right thing to do.

As the train pulled into Queensborough station, he saw that Olivia still had not moved from her seat. So she was going into Manhattan too. He hoped no one sat next to her during the stop. He watched closely and thankfully no one did.

Taking a deep breath, he made his way to where she was. His strides were long and so it only took a moment to get to where was seated. As he stood beside her seat, he saw that he was resting her head wearily against the train window. She did not see him as she had her eyes closed. Her breathing though told him she only had them closed and that she was not asleep.

Taking one more deep breath, he finally spoke and asked, "Hey, is this seat taken?"

Olivia's eyes flew open. She could not believe that he was standing right beside her. Just a moment ago she was seeing his image in her mind. She kept seeing him walk out of the precinct on that fateful day. Never to come back again. And now he was here.

Not waiting for an answer, he sat next to her and smiled. For what seemed like forever, they stared at each other. Olivia, was still speechless not believing her eyes. She wasn't even supposed to be on this train. Except she had taken the wrong train in another station and she ended up having to take this one to get back to Manhattan. She was supposed to have been on the N train. But instead she was on the R train. And because of that she was now here with Elliot standing next to her. All of sudden she felt the anger and hurt she had felt all these months that he hadn't returned her calls and hadn't seen her or talked to her. But another moment passed and all the anger melted. And suddenly tears were falling fast from her eyes and she felt his arms embrace her tightly.

"Liv, I'm so sorry. I was wrong to not call or talk to you…but I was so messed up. I had to - you know- get myself right first."

Olivia extracted herself from him and looked into his eyes which were full of concern and sadness for her. She nodded and sniffled. "I know. But still, I wished you would have returned just one call. I needed to hear your voice to know you're okay. After 12 years of looking after each other, it's kind of a hard habit to break. It's practically second nature." Olivia tried to give him a smile but another tear slid from her eyes."

"Oh Liv, I'm sorry I hurt you so much. I didn't mean to. But I was hurting so much too I guess I didn't think about everyone else. I didn't mean to be such a selfish bastard."

"I know you didn't." Olivia replied. She was still wrapped in his arms and Elliot held tight not wanting to let go but at the same time hoping she didn't realize it right now and ask about Kathy. He didn't want to explain quite yet. He just wanted to savor her presence again.

"Liv, I have so much to tell you…that is if you'll let me tell you…I know that what I did was a shitty move and if you told me to fuck off I'd understand…"

Olivia looked out the subway for a moment and then spoke again, "You know what El, all these months, I've wondered what I would tell you when I finally got the chance to see you again. And trust me when I say for a while there, the first thing I wanted to do when I finally got to see you was to take a swing at you. And then after, that I would curse you and then dramatically leave you never to be heard from again. But when I saw you just now, I knew I couldn't do that. I could never do that."

"Well you can slap me if it'd make you feel better." Elliot volunteered with a smile. He was starting to lose his fear a little but he knew he barely scraped the surface with her.

"Nah, it's okay. I'm sure you were scared shitless to approach me earlier and that's revenge enough." Olivia joked, her eyes now dry.

Elliot smiled wryly and replied, "Thanks. Sooo…how have you been?"

"Shitty thanks to my partner who just upped and abandoned me." Olivia said in a serious tone, but the glint her eyes lightened the seriousness of her words.

"Jesus, Liv, I'm sorry."

"It's okay El. I'll live."

They smiled at each other and they sat in companionable silence for a while. Elliot put his arm around her and Olivia didn't object. Just as they were nearing the 59th Street and Lex station, Elliot spoke again. "Liv, do you have to go to work right now?"

"Actually no. I took a couple of days off. I can't stand my new partner and I have some vacation days coming so Cragen told me to take a couple of days off."

"Do you want to come back to my place? Please. There's just so many things I want to tell you. And I really don't want to have the entire Manhattan in the background."

"But won't your kids be back from school soon? And Kathy…won't she be there? Won't she mind?"

Elliot took a deep breath as he listened to her questions. Things were starting to get scary again. Once he answered those questions, there was no turning back. He was going to have to tell her everything. Scared or not.

He looked into her eyes, those dark brown eyes of her and took the plunge. "Kathy and I are getting divorced, Liv. I moved out two weeks ago. I have my own apartment in Astoria. So no one will be there except a pretty empty apartment."

"You moved out?" She seemed incredulous.

"Yes."

"Oh my God! Is Kathy okay? Are you okay?" Olivia was all concern all at once.

Elliot chuckled. "Yes she's okay. I'm okay."

"Really?"

"Yes, really." Elliot confirmed. "So will you come with me? Please Liv, I really need to talk to you. If you don't want to come with me to my literally empty apartment, I'll go wherever you want to go."

Olivia was silent for a minute and then slowly answered, "Okay, let's go to your place."

Elliot breathed an audible sigh of relief. "Thank you."

"Since we are going to be doubling back, I hope you have more credits on your Metro Card because I'm not planning to pay to go to Queens again."

Elliot laughed. "Of course,no problem."

After they got off 59th street and Lex to board a train going back to Astoria, it seemed by unspoken agreement they didn't talk about Kathy and the divorce or anything serious. They just made small talk and bantered. Olivia was telling Elliot how her new partner was so young that she felt like a cougar next to him.

She also told him about the new southern belle from Atlanta. She told him she was blonde and that she had a way of sweet talking the perps into confessions with her southern lass act.

As Olivia talked, Elliot felt happier than he had in months. He felt like there was hope that things were going to turn out okay. Of course, he hadn't told her yet how he felt about her. And he was still very scared. But somehow he knew either way, he'd be okay. Because whether or not she felt that way he did, he knew she'd be in his life as a friend at the very least.

Finally they got back to his apartment in Astoria after making a quick pit stop at the nearby bodega for six pack of Heineken beer. Elliot opened one for each of them and then motioned Olivia to the couch. "So…" Elliot began, "what do you think?"

"I'm thinking it's begging to be filled with furniture and décor." Olivia replied.

"I think you're right. But give me a break. I've only been here two weeks and well I've had a lot of baggage to sort through…and not the kind you carry around when you move out." Elliot told her, taking a long sip of his beer.

Olivia arranged herself on the couch and then facing Elliot said, "So you wanted to talk to me. You got me. So talk. Tell me what you need to tell me."

"Liv, first of all, I want to tell you I'm so very sorry for doing what I did. I was wrong to just ignore you for all that time. I was so caught up in my pain that I never realized until recently how much in pain you were too and I that I must have only added to that. So please accept my apology. I am very sorry for hurting you."

This time, Olivia didn't jokingly brush aside the apology. She put down her bottle and looking into his blue eyes, simply said, "Thank you. I needed to hear that."

"I hope you can forgive one day for that."

Smiling gently, she replied, "I already have."

"You don't know how much that means to me, Liv."

"So what happened with Kathy?"

It was like water being released from a dam. Elliot just let go and told Olivia everything. From seeing Dr. what he had been going through since the sleepless realizations that he came to while in therapy with Skoda. He told her everything. And Olivia listened. She didn't say anything. She didn't judge him. She didn't hate him. She just listened and let him talk. It felt so good to finally be able to tell her all this.

"So Kathy really understood?"

"Yes, she did."

"Well I'm glad things ended amicably."

"Me too. I know she'll find someone who will love her more than I ever did. Someone who will love her the way she deserves to be loved."

"I know she will." Olivia agreed.

"Funny though, after she told me she knew I was no longer in love with her, and we had both said our piece, just as she was going up the stairs, she stopped and asked me one more question."

At that moment, Olivia felt something shift. Elliot turned to face and looked straight into her eyes as she asked the obvious, "What did she ask?"

Leaning forward a little bit to be closer to her, Elliot replied, "She asked me, are you finally going to tell her?"

A puzzled look came into Olivia's face even as her breath caught because Elliot's face moved even closer to her. "Tell who what?"

Elliot chuckled. "Funny, that's exactly what I said."

"Tell who what?" Olivia's reply was practically a whisper as Elliot's face was now inches from hers.

"Tell you, Olivia Benson, that I am completely in love with you. I love you, Liv. I've loved you for a long time. All this time I was away from you - it's not because I didn't want to be with you, it's because I didn't want to mess up your life."

Olivia looked at him, a smile on her face and said, "The only way you could mess up my life is by not being in it. El, I love you too. "

"Oh Liv baby, I love you. You know I was on that train today because I started thinking of you and couldn't bear it so I decided to go into the city to clear my head. And instead of getting to run away, I run straight into you."

"I'm glad you did."

"Liv, I'm not going to lie. I've had a hell of a time and I'm far from being totally okay. But I promised Skoda I was going to take care of me and start making things right in my life. And you being in it, me loving you is definitely right."

"Wow, El, I didn't know you could be this mushy!" Olivia said.

"Sorry…" Elliot stammered. "I uh…"

"El?"

"Shut up and kiss me." Olivia told him, exasperatedly. And with that Elliot swept her into his arms and kissed her for the first time. The kiss was long and tender and aching. All the pent up love and passion they felt for 12 years was in that one kiss.

And as they broke apart and fell into each other's arms just holding each other, they both felt hope for the first time in a long time that everything was going to be okay. It wasn't going to be easy. It wasn't going to be perfect. But they would be okay. Because they had each other.


End file.
